Monday, August 4, 2008

Advice for the Antiquated.

Back when I was around 11- or 12-years' old, I had a book titled, 1001 Tips for Teens. Written by Paul Steiner and published in 1968, it was "a fabulous bonanza of cool, kooky, far-out, and foolproof ideas." I can't remember a single tip from the book, but I do remember feeling especially empowered by the sheer act of having it tucked among my belongings. I have no doubt that having access to this book at such a young age contributed to my later coolness quotient.

So today, in honor of Mr. Steiner and his fabulous bonanza and directly from my personal arsenal, I offer the following *Timely Tips for Tottering old Toots:

If--like me--you sometimes have difficulty seeing things that are far away, as well as things that are right up close, you might be having problems reading your favorite blogs. If middle-aged myopia is your cross to bear, try this trick: Press the control key while rolling the wheel of your mouse toward you. This quickly and instantly increases the size of the text on the monitor.

Since you last pulled away from the pump, have you forgotten on which side of the car your gas tank is located? With a 50/50 chance of being correct, you could just take a wild guess. Or, like Oprah, you could trust your intuition. Instead, why not simply look at the fuel indicator on the dashboard for a seemingly random arrow. Surprise! This arrow is pointed to the side of your car on which your bottomless gas hole lives.

It can be frustrating to wade your way through computer generated voice prompts, especially if you're trying to get a real person on the horn at Alltel. Before you initiate that potentially soul-numbing telephone call, visit the Gethuman website and find out what magic numbers you need to get somebody with a pulse on the line.

If your bender-over is out of whack, you know how quickly those uncollected grocery store circulars can pile up in your driveway and front yard. (Personally, I've never understood why it is considered acceptable to litter someone's lawn as long as the trash in question is securely fastened with a rubber band.) Contact the circulation department of your local paper and ask to be placed on their "do not throw" list. They are almost always in cahoots with the store to make your life messy.

*Also considered: Advice for the Ancient, Suggestions for the Superannuated, Insights for the Infirm, Hints for the Hoary, and Notions for the Not-Long-for-This-World.


Anonymous said...

I want to hear that Advice for the Ancients. I'm feeling at least 100 this morning after being awakened yet one more time by one of these people who insist on getting up at the crack for dawn and want all the rest of us up then too. I can't even pretend to be friendly that early in the day, much less remember my name.

Anonymous said...

Love, love, love the font enlarging tip. You have been a great service to your fellow man/woman today.

Anonymous said...

The font enlarging tip didn't work for me, but then I realized I was directionaly challenged as well. Thanks for the tips!

Unknown said...

It's also possible to permanently enlarge text in your browser. I use firefox, and this setting is found in the "Preferences" menu. Because I have a widescreen monitor and text seems to be somehow shrunk by this setup, I have my default font set to Arial size 14. I'm sure the Advanced Ancients could even set their fonts larger than that.

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