Monday, March 31, 2008

I mean really. It's the PHONE company, y'all.

When the phone rang early enough on Saturday morning to get me out of bed, I didn't even bother becoming annoyed. I was sure it was my friend Tawana, who for the last fifteen years has done her damnedest to catch me lolling about in the bed on Saturday. She's been fairly successful at it too--I can count the number of times I've gotten out of the Saturday bed on my own steam with the fingers of one hand.

But instead of the friendly, gotcha voice I expected, I heard a prerecorded message. "Hello. Please stand by for an important message about your account with Alltel. This is not a marketing call."

Now perhaps you remember me telling you a while ago about how I had so perfected my procrastination technique that I neglected to pay the electric bill. If so, you will also remember that the utility company (who does not procrastinate) was quick to offer to disconnect my service for me. So I sat up in bed and got all interested, despite the early hour.

As it turns out, the telephone company is looking for Judi Dench, whose cell phone service will apparently undergo some sort of change on the 30th.

And who, according to Alltel, lives at my phone number.

In its urgency to get the message to Ms. Dench, the telephone company presented me with the following three options: (1) Pause the recording so she could come to the phone, (2) take a message, and (3) report a wrong number.

I'm guessing that option number 3 is out of order, since, despite choosing it, I received this same call another three more times on Saturday and twice on Sunday--one of which was unfortunately timed during the nap window. During the final call, I pressed so many unauthorized buttons in an attempt to get a live person on the phone that the recording hung up on me.

So I guess I'm taking a message, after all. Dame Judi Dench, if you're reading--give Alltel a ring. I'm sorry, I don't have their number.

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