It's February 14. Are you ready?

Maybe you remember hearing the story on the news last year about how most women would rather receive a love letter than virtually anything else in the world for Valentine's Day?

Man, that's a lot of pressure! Don't you think so? I do.

Because unless you are compelled by the urging of your heart--unless the writing of such a thing is entirely your idea, a love letter is hard to perfect. On any day. Once you complicate things by trying to do it and do it well on the national love holiday--well, I just don't know that I would risk it.

If I've just talked you out of that idea, you're going to need a plan B. Fortunately for you, I'm something of an expert in this area, since I've been married twice, and was the wife both times.

So here's my Valentine's Day gift-giving advice:

If it doesn't normally come with a slit or a pair of tassles, don't buy it. If it's important to you that she have it, you can ask for it for your birthday.

If you absolutely must buy undergarments for Valentine's Day, replace your own threadbare underwear. The fact that you have new drawers will make her very happy. The fact that she didn't have to buy them for you will make her love you forever. And here's an extra tip: If you've been wearing shorts that you've outgrown, but replace them with appropriately-sized underwear, she may very well make you King of the forest.

Listen. She doesn't want a teddy bear. No matter what she says after you've given her one. Seriously.

Pajamas are really great gifts. Especially ones that match her tube socks.

Know what else is a great gift? Chores. So vacuum. Unload the dishwasher. Fold the clothes in the dryer and put them away. Find a chore that she does every single day and get to it first. Then, don't tell her about it. You're going to have to trust me on this one. She'll notice, and you'll get extra points for not having pointed it out. Yeah, I know. It's complicated.

If all else fails, make a mix-tape. It's the working man's love letter. No matter how long you've been hanging around, it'll still make her smile.

And that's what you were going for wasn't it?