Friday, September 21, 2007

Please don't tie up the phone. I'm expecting a call from AARP asking me to function as their spokesperson any moment now.

Well, here's something brand new to worry about.

Did you know you can do something in your sleep and wake up the next morning looking like one of the zombies from Night of the Living Dead?

It's true.

This morning, my right eye is bright red and filled with blood--and yet, I've suffered no trauma. As far as I can tell, I haven't yet had the stroke I keep threatening my writers with. And that aneurysm I've been expecting--the sudden pain in my frontal lobe that causes me to grab at my noggin and fall motionless to the floor--well, so far, that's just a dazzling, future opportunity.

According to the interwebs (my first source of information when yet another something new and frightening has just happened to my body), you can blow the blood vessels in your eye with a minor cough or sneeze. Just like that.

Now I don't just have to concern myself with the possibility of strangling on my own spit as I sleep and peeing the bed, I can stay awake nights wondering if a little bit of cat dander (or one of those marauding, killer, pillow feathers) is going to trigger a sneeze and blow my peepers right out of my head.

It just keeps getting better and better.

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