Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Very, very tricky.

Most of the time, no matter where I am or what I'm doing, I feel like I'm in the wrong place, doing the wrong thing.

When I'm playing, I feel as though I should instead be working; when I'm working, I should be with my family. And when I'm napping? Well, there's a whole contingent of people with ideas for what I should be doing instead of sleeping smack dab in the middle of the day.

All of which has started me wondering--shouldn't I be able to loosen the reins a bit by now, slow down, maybe breathe just a little easier?

There are no more cupcakes to be baked before Friday homeroom, no more violin recitals to watch or football game halftime shows to shiver through. My scissors (all three pair) are right where I left them.

I'm not the girl answering the phones and making coffee anymore. (Well, I still have to make the coffee.) But at least I'm no longer scratching out a living from the bottom of the org chart. And while there's never going to be a day when I can just wave my hand over my paid job and pronounce my work "Good enough," at least I've reached the point where worrying about doing it well enough isn't keeping me up at night.

So, why all the urgency?

I think I answered my own question while parked in the drive-through line to pick up a gross of tacos. As I waited, I watched a young man pace up and down the other side of the road, half-heartedly waiving a PIZZA-PIZZA sign at passing traffic. His heart wasn't in it; how could it be?

The sight of this kid who might finish his shift but never his task made me realize that I am very probably my own undoing. For me, there is no bigger rush than typing that closing sentence, snipping that thread end, drying that final glistening glass, or painting that last expanse of empty surface.

After a lifetime of telling myself that I will relax and have some fun after the last chore is complete, I've realized that for me, the thrill is in finishing the chore. I'm having the most fun I will have all day while I am getting things out of the way so I can have a little fun.

Egad. I'm ruined.

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